maybe a tatoo will do

thinking of getting a tattoo, not too eye-catching, just a line of words: strive from modesty. The line curls against neck.
really not doing it for anything else, but to memorize that there were people that were courageous than me. They followed their heart, made their way to what they want to achieve.

You did what i dont dare to do.

Thank you for being with me. 有你们真好

Thank all of you for when i am scared of the world you are always with me. For all the decisions that i make, you are always here to support me.

It's you that makes every movement of mine even more sturdy and confident.

Apr.16th, and that was 2 days ago. I did my performance event, and suprisingly i wasnt a bit nervous about it before hand. I was excited, i was just ready to be who i am, to do what i want to do. My appreciation to everyone that makes this happen, and everyone that was there for the performance. everybody.

It is dedicated to every duckweed in the world, and everything else that gives duckweed a home.

Sheng says to me, the existence of this type of art form itself is amazing. She said, later that day, you are the best today. It's moving.

I think it's the courage that moved her.

=========================================================================

These days, emotionally unstable. as much as i am excited, i am worried, and disappointed at myself. Had a job offer, but seems so far away from my desire. It's a gut feeling that makes me want to resist, that i cant explain. but maybe i will go with it. a dream a desire can always be fulfilled if it's truely a desire and dream of oneself. 

To the other THTREE.

when we were 10, we were the selected 183 out of 3000. When we were 12, we started to be close. When we were 15, you were too brilliant to catch up. however dumb i was, i can always talk to you for a long time. and that is what is precious to me. our friendship didnt change after almost 12 years. We have always been on each others' sides. and that is precious to me. Because of you, i know i was special, have been special, and will always been. Because of you , i know what is outstanding.

I planned a wedding to run away from.

I planned a wedding to run away from.
and yes i did, except that it's not a wedding. it'a event project that i am doing.

But do you know how scared i was.
I am not a panda, i am a turtle. timid, and will go back to my shell when I am scared. I want to be different, to stand out, and that might be the only reason that i am doing this. I have a desire to..transform..myself..to get ready for the real world. but the transformation is painful. I am in serious pain.
The reason is so stupid to even talk about. too stupid to tell another. I did this for my own sake, not for anybody else, not for the progression of human beings.

Someone said, architects should contribute to the society. i just want to do things to fulfill my own desire. my dark secrets are driven force. not the society.

so loser says, which means I say, this is no big deal. As long as i know whts wrong, how to make it better, it will be fine eventually. Transformation is hard. ALL I NEED TO DO IS TO FIGURE IT OUT.


 i will do it again, when i am more ready.

Thanks for all the supports, and the people that got up for my  event.

五年前的时候

五年前，也是春假。我已经开始准备申请arch的portfolio了。比deadline提前了两个月。后来才知道，很多人都是提前1，2个礼拜开始做的。我那个时候觉得。。自己怎么都不会进arch的，又觉得不进arch就没有什么意义了。。。所以很早就说好一定要进arch..
然后进去了也就觉得没什么。
一直以为一直这样下去5年以后自己一定可以figure out . 会像那些大牛一样做出那样的作品。慢慢的我就会figure out 了。所以一开始我没有觉得是自己笨，而是觉得。。。等到毕业的时候就会好的。
骗人呢巴。
我当时到底怎么进得专业？还是学校专业实在太水了，所以。。连我这样的人都可以进。所以5年之后也没有什么太大的变化。
看了那个叫做FAME的电影。里面有一句话说：sometimes we got students that are promising. But they never got beyond that promise. 埃~
3 years later in the movie, everyone has a entirely different paths. The fact that they were enrolled into this outstanding Performing Arts school doesnt make all of them a guaranteed successful performing artists. School is just a platform. you are lucky when you have a good one.
i never stop questioning myself about who i am what i am doing. I wonder if i am only standing out to be different, or controversial, so that maybe i can be outstanding. sad face.
confident cant be taught. mitchell's confidence only build up my ego.但是外强中干阿。。。deep down, i am still questioning myself, every single day. I dont know where i am heading to.

Am I just a dreamer? a non-realistic dreamer?

cheer up.

the descendants

还是一部很忧伤的电影，每个人都好像满腹委屈。
but it's quite a good movie, so common as it's just a narrator of everyday life. too common that i can barely face it.
It's such a sad movie. such sorrow even tears seem 。。Vulgar....

Babette's Feast

Watched Babette's Feast after reading one of the articles in Eating Architecture. Very interesting Movie. and how the movie is related to ornament is crime. These people see eating such food as crime, a huge sin. While the general say the feast is like a love affair. at the end Babette spent all her lottery money on the feast, she said artisit is never poor. and blahblah something something...give me a chance i can do my best.

i have a chance now, can i do the best?

keep making.

why am i here ...again?

i said this before, not going to Rome is probably so far one of the best decisions. It is not only important to know what you want to be as a designer in a long run, but knowing what you want NOW is vital as well. and back to 1 year ago, what i needed was someone that values me just the way i am. I need someone that can help me. So I stayed in ames, not for reasons of money, family or blah blah. I stayed because i want to study with Mitchell S., and i want to spend more time in DATUM. Both turned out really rewarding. The time i spent in Jason B's studio critiquing projects from new students turns out to be good. I learned to talk about my project better through talking about other peoples project. And i got to exposed to new ideas, new ways of making. I learned to respect ood things.
and now i am here. completed a project that i am more proud of than the ones that i had before and nominated to CSI competition. I was on my way to get a project built, and the same project was awarded the 2nd place of "un-competition project" sponsored by Architectual Chicago Club. Some odd things that i did was selected in MU exhibition. I am finally on my way to......i dont know what.
They say..any tiny bit helps, so i did all that, but maybe i dont really know what i want to be....not yet.
Now i am creating this "place for one person to eat". This is something that i want to do, but i forgot how i first thought of doing it.
Since when am I not willing to be doing every-day architecture? since when did i departure from building design?
I forgot the reason that i wanted to be an architect, or...did i ever had a reason?
I forgot the reason that i depart, or ...have i really belonged to traditional building design?
I forgot what i am doing this for, why i want to be a designer.

golden quote

i suddenly remember this thing from a year ago: be more clear, and you will get better. from "you-know-who" lol ahaha.
but it's quite crucial in order to make myself better.
there's time to time that i talk in circles. the value of which is only kinda valuable to myself. for others, it's kinda like..i am talking 10 things in one sentence. And in most cases, i am. By that, i am not saying that i dont have the verbal communication capability. In fact, i do, under certain circumstances. I talk better when i am on the topic that i have been thinking about, and thought through. I talk better when i am familiar with the topic and its content. I talk better when i am passionate, but not too passionate. lol In fact, under the above circumstances, i talk way better than most of the native speakers do. not mention  that most of them are not willing to put their voice out there. I am.
That is problematic, but yet good too.

circle

The best thing...is not that a circle is completed, but when two ends of the circle are in the progress of coming together.
"Typical architectural practice is concerned with form, space and light, all elements that are tangible and more or less permanent. When architects draw, we draw walls, floors and ceilings; if we are really interested in showing what a space is like, we might include furniture and occupants, bu these are usually notional and illustrative..... is as interested in walls as anyone, but his real fascination lies not in architectural containers, but rather in the architecturally contained, that is what happens within the walls and ceilings that he draws....the act of dining is something to savor and reflect upon. What does it mean to eat? For that matter, what does it mean to sleep, to bathe, to live in a home?"
This is an article written on my former instructor Pete Goche latest architectural work. It is the aspect that me personally is fairly interested as well.
and here's what's better description."...these works can be seen as stage sets-not in the glib, post-modernist sense of a gaudy or theatrical backdrop, but rather in the sense of a framing device that strips away all distractions from the focal activity. This approach, a minimalism that goes beyond being visually "clean" and actually seems to heighten the senses and the awareness of what's happening within."

Alright, enough of Pete. Here's me.
I started drawings: the people, their hands, their posture and then the equipment in a traditional tea ceremony. This way, i am hoping to find out what does it mean in drinking tea, I suppose. what's interesting that i found is that Tea ceremony brings out both the intimacy with people, build the connection between individuals, and as well, a fairly theatrical performance. Back to the days, when i was 2nd year in Pete's studio, i did a series of drawings for a place to eat dumplings and a place to drink soup. The former is more of a performance while the a personal conversation is more likely to happen in the latter. Interestingly, these two came together to this project； Tea-infused food. Too bad Pete wont be able to make time for me to talk about the project, otherwise it's surely interesting. And, for sure, he's one of the architecture studio professors that i admire. and one of the professors that encourages me inspires me all these time. :)

"keep making" like he says.

TEA

so here we go. trying to find out the connection between tea and this environment. and how does that inform the materiality, structure and form of "THE PLACE" for one person to eat.
the first thought i have is OUT OF PLACE. this glass of tea doesnt belong in the environment. Studio is busy, exhausting and noisy. The work of all contriubute to make this studio environment. while tea moves slowly and quietly. it unfolds itself to give flavor/color to the environment it exists(glass+water). It colors the glass of water no mater how restless the background is. Its serenity belongs to its own. Then attained by the person that drinks it.
The view point is odd too, but i like that its placed on ground instead of on table.
Out of place as it is, it is imposed by the environment. The glass, instead of being fine crafted ceramic tea cup is mass produced object provides barely any  intimacy or doesnt enhance the flavour of tea or the experience of drinking tea. Noting that there's a difference between tea made with metal pot or ceramic pot. If anybody noticed, i used a plastic water boiler to add water to the glass. and this..except that it provides hot water to make tea, is just a cheesy way to do it. but this is college culture. RESTLESS and FAST i will call it.
College culture is, as well, individuality. but in this case i think it's compromised individuality. Individuals find the group of peole that they feel comfortable with. A group that accept them, not with exactly who they are, but by somewhat changing them.
TEA is liberty. I am not exactly sure why yet...but the American Revolutionary War starts over a cup of tea. While tea is more of a british thing ( after they stole it from Asians :)). i might need to look more into it.
so ...What does this mean to THE PLACE? It owns serenity that's contained to itself but also carried by people visiting it. It's a independent individuality, while being imposed on.
and more, i will tell you later.
WHEEEE!!!~~~~ :D

《时间已经送走一切》

@宋丹丹：十九岁那年，天天盼着他残废哪怕骨折也行这样就可以整日守着他并向他证明自己多爱他，今天凌晨两点多他去世了。坐在阳台上带上耳机听着音乐看着大海流着泪，谢谢你给了我作为女人可以有的最好的初恋。五年，每天都想写诗的五年我们守在一起。通往天堂的路你走好，祈祷你的灵魂安息。丹丹

《时间已经送走一切》 
      不记得是谁说过：“你不能既拥有青春又拥有青春的知识。”这句话只有当我进入中年的时候才明白它多么深刻。
      19岁那年，我初恋了。那时候刚恢复高考没两年，许多已经不是学生的青年走回中学校门，和我们这些应届生一起复习高考。有一天下雨，我到教室门口才回身合上手里的雨伞。就在转身的那一瞬间，我看见靠窗子那排的倒数第二个座位上有一个陌生人。我没再抬头，走到了自己的座位上。
      他就是袁钢，我的第一个男朋友，一个身高1.84米、挺英俊的转业军人，我们学校已经去美国探亲的语文孙老师的儿子。现在回想起来，我是第一眼就爱上他了，因为他长得比我们班任何一个同学都高大一圈儿。从那一眼开始，我的学习一落千丈，从班里的前5名，一直到高考落榜。
      我知道他的名字是在第二天。教室门口一个陌生的女孩问我：“袁钢在吗？”
      我说：“谁是袁钢？”
      “你们班新来的，孙老师的儿子。你能帮我把他叫出来吗？”那女孩很有礼貌。
      “行！”我转身回教室向他走去。
      我知道我的脸红了。我那时候特别爱脸红。我的心“扑嗵嗵”地跳着。
      那天下午，上帝给了我一个机遇，让我有借口向他发出信号。
      课间我到楼下上厕所。楼道很黑，刚下一个台阶，我就看到他往上走来。就在他与我擦身而过的一刹那，我脚下一滑，朝楼下摔去。
      “哎！”他大叫一声，一把抓住我的衣袖。
     “刺啦”一声，我掉了3个扣子，但我站住了。我的右胳膊被他抓着，左手本能地迅速抓住衣襟。
     “小心点！”他看着我，那一眼看得很长。我忘了我是否道了谢，反正我没上厕所，因为我必须得向同学借别针，我的衣服不能遮体了。
      就在那天下午，我给他写了个字条，本能地使用了前人总结出的恋爱法则：我将离去法。
      “我恨你。因为你‘救’了我。我必须转学了，因为我什么都学不进去！”
      这张字条很奏效，一个小时后我接到了一封长达3页的信，流畅而清秀的连笔字。信上他告诉我应该好好读书，但在结尾却约我当天傍晚在北海公园见面。
      我放学回家先换上了我认为最漂亮的衣服，但我却无法去掉天天挂在我脸蛋儿上的两疙瘩红。十八九的年龄，女孩子发育得结实丰满，两疙瘩红又热又硬。我恨我自己，我羡慕死瘦弱的皮肤苍白的同学了。
      我们在北海散步聊天，谈的大概都是些无聊的事情，因为我现在什么都不记得了。但在准备回家的路上，北海公园后门的河边，他吻了我的脸。
      毫不奇怪地我高考落榜了，他考上了北京大学法律系。我一直以为自己会和他结婚，因为在与他相处的那些年里，大街上走着的和我周围的男孩子都不值得我一看！
      与初恋情人结婚在现代社会所占的比例极小。命里注定我们不能做夫妻。
      1983年的一天，我和他父母坐在一起吃饭。我们已经相爱了5年，这5年中他大哥、姐姐和二哥相继到美国去了。我从未想过他会走，因为他从未对我说过。我们那天依旧吃着他爸爸做的一大锅土豆炖牛肉。记得他爸爸常常会在肉里面放几个鸡蛋。鸡蛋在肉锅里炖久了，味道特别丰富。我们可以一人分到一个，吃得热火朝天。在我把鸡蛋刚刚放进嘴里没咬的时候，他妈妈说：“小钢，明天用你刚办的护照去友谊商店买瓶色拉油吧。”
      那时候北京最高级的商店就是友谊商店，只许外宾进，而中国人持护照才许进。街上的商店里还没有进口商品，中国还不生产色拉油。无法想象我那口鸡蛋是怎样咽下的。我只记得不听话的泪水扑簌簌流下来。我没说话，离开座位到别的房间去了。
      那一天我才突然明白，他从来没把我们的命运看成是在一起的，他从未想和我一起走人生的道路。于是，我决定分手。我知道不能犹豫，我要他看到我多么坚强，因为我觉得我受了“骗”。那时候出国太难了，去美国就意味着泥牛入海。
      我脑子里一直幻想着他将来回国时的情景。当然应该是老年，白发苍苍，无论什么季节都应该穿西装，衣锦还乡走在北京杂乱的胡同里，摘下金丝眼镜找门牌号码，问有没有个叫“宋丹丹”的老太太，原先住在这院。当然，我应该已经是满脸皱纹，梳着髻，牙齿一个都没了，坐在路边晒着太阳。我们应该对视很久，彼此寻找着熟悉的痕迹，空气里应该飘着电影《第二次握手》的主旋律……
      我给他写了绝交信，告诉他我不能再见他了。他曾说过我心狠，他也为我哭过。
      与我的想象完全不同。他1994年回来了，那时候我已经是一个“名演员”。有一天在中央台做节目，我遇到了我俩共同的朋友孙淳，他告诉了我袁钢的电话号码。
      我们约在中国大饭店的咖啡厅见面，老远见他晃晃悠悠走过来，我知道我再也找不回初恋的感觉。我们像朋友一样聊天，谈论彼此的情况，时不时地哈哈大笑。我们心里明白，时间已经把一切都送走了。
      无论你经历了多么美丽的情感，虽然你也许认为“这次太不同了！”“肯定永远不会分开了，因为我会活不下去。”……只有你到了中年，或许到了晚年，才明白时间是多么残酷的东西，它把曾让你心碎让你失眠、让你坚定不移地确信永不更改的生活变成一个个梦，似真似幻，遥远而模糊，而人永远生活在今天，今天才是现实。