you hear me cry. 231 day.

保罗的身上有三根刺，他请求主可以为他去掉。但是上帝说，我的恩典已经够用了。
Concerning this thing i pleaded with the lord three times that it might depart from me. and He said to me " My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

i went on the retreat organized by Christian Witness Center from 12.22-12.26. I knew i was thirsty for god. soooo what did i learn? i am kinda still in the process of organizing them. but..before i forgot, i will pour it out here. :)
About serving God. I was wondering what really counts as serving god. i knew there's lots of ways of serving god: serving in church, being a pastor, or simply act justly and righteously, and walk humbly with my God. but at the same time. I am lazy. i dont want the latter to be an excuse for me to not go bold, or not to work to my potential to serve god. Acting right seems so easy. Well ...to act right, you need to be really faithful to god, really faithful to what god gives you, so that you will try the best to do it. You really need to abandon yourself for god, discipline yourself with God's word, really be aware of your old nature comes back to get you. All we do is to praise God. so..it's absolutely not easy.  @.@

No Pains No Gains. No Cross No Crown.
this is such a good one. Being a Christian is never a easy thing. Being god's kid doesnt mean all the sufferings are taken away from me, but we are given the strength to deal with all the hardships. To Praise God is to walking to the Cross with Jesus Christ.

a story. a great guy was looking for wife. In their village, the tradition is that you ask a girl to marry you with cattle. the number of cattle shows how much you value the girl. when people gets to know that this guy is looking for a wife, lots of girls came to his house, hoping to marry him. some of them are pretty, rich, ones. However, this guy finally selected the girl that grew up with him from childhood. He brought eight cattle to the girl's father and ask if he can marry his daughter. Everyone wants to know how the girl looks, thinking she must be really beautiful. However, they were very disappointed. She's not pretty at all, and even a little ugly. They think she doesnt deserve the guy and the eight cattle the guy brought with. A journalist heard the story and wanted to visit the family, asking why he was willing to marry the girl with eight cattle. The journalist knocked on their door, and the girl came answer the door. The journalist said, "this is such a beautiful woman, the most wonderful i have ever seen." why is that? The guy said he brought eight cattle to the girl, so that she can live a life that's worth the value.SAME AS JESUS CHRIST.we are valuable goodies in the eyes of God. He sacrificed his one and only son for us, so that we can be made right and reunite with him. He paid great value for us, and we shall live the life that's worth the value: the death of Jesus.
 Is what you are living for worth what jesus died for?

Architects' role

so i have been thinking....what's architects' role.
oh btw, i really like lots of courses offered in ISU architecture department. These classes so opened my view to the possibility of other related occupation with a B.Architecture degree. Love it~~~!!!
and i think this is what education suppose to do. not necessary of making us architects, but "giving" us the ability to learn, to think, to imagine, to cooperate...etc...oh..and give us opportunites to explore, open up our mind.
and yes. opens our mind.

so i have been thinking what i really should do with an architecture major.
well....i am interested in teaching Architecture at school. Teaching is a very interesting occupation. Teacher is basically a role model of students. and influence students' in all sorts of ways, good or bad. and for me, Teachers really play a big part of my life decisions! also....ummmmm God's love is expressed by his people. and just by acting justly and loving mercy and walking humbly is to do god's work.
and ...i am also interested in city planning and architecture. Might be influenced by my childhood experience of growing up in a city of 20 million. Shanghai! Shanghai! Shanghai! so yeah. and there's so many city redevelopment projects recently. and when you get into the particular parts of the city it's suddenly so different with the surroundings, more vivid, energetic, refreshening. but yet so well integrated with the surroundings in terms of use, circulation etc. what interests me more is that...a city changes over time although the changes tie to its history as well. and how should a cityscape design fit the pace with the change of city.
and i may want to be a social worker....like..just taking pictures of the true poverty.
and ...what is grabbing my attention now is working for the true poverty. Renassaince Center in Detroit, Transbay Project in San Francisco.....they are all cool projects. and as a designer i know...how interesting and inspiring it is to work on projects like this. but what about the people in true poverty, in vain?.......Architects, down to earth, are social workers. Working for the public good.

Time will tell the story.

i am eager to hear your teaching. 236 days.

236 days till the day you all come back. Nice weather in Ames so far. no more snowing. my car died AGAIN. well, whatsoever, i am already missing you all.

i woke up this morning at around 6...supposedly driving my car to pick up Alex and then to the airport then hangout around in Des moines, and then come back.
BUT some damn Dodge car breaks down again. WHAT DID I LEFT ON AGAIN THIS TIME!? well ...then i was feeling extremely bad and called alex. and then we decide that we will take her car,....and i will drive her car back. since i dont feel comfortable driving other people's car around in somewhere i am not familiar with ....so....no fun in Des moines......Sorry James,...i really hate when that happens...but...sorry james....He actually went to bed like around 9pm..to get up early...to hangout with me.....oops...sorry james!
well..anyways...i successfully made my trip back...and then went to Ann's apartment for her  belongings. no one is in the apartment...but the aparment is unlocked. I am lost. should i take her stuff or no, should i , or no? but anyways i took her stuff: i think it's lamp with pretty bulbs, cooking stuff, and wood stools. besdies wood stools..i have no idea what other stuff looks like. then i finally found out her lamp with pretty bulbs in the closet. I knew it's hers cuz it has a name tag stick on it, says: Recreational Services ANN. Just at that moment, i feel that she has never left. ( dont take it wrong...Ann is just having fun in Europe and later in Rome, she's alive) The name tag reminds me of the sweet/fun/crazy things that she does. awww ann.

Talked to Kumudan the day before. It's more like an interview...than actually a talk. he's asking me some random questions...like " how are you doing" after i answered ..there's 10+ min silence. and then he will ask.."anything else?"then i just started talking...talking talking about everything. and i think this is the way of casual chatting. ~~ and then i am out of topics.....so i asked how is he doing....he's like..."what do you mean?""what do you want to know"" you need to tell me waht you want to know..so i can answer you." NOOOOOOOOO ....that's not right......for example, if he burned down his house that day,and didnt tell me anything about it...why will i ask him any question like...why do you burn down your house kumudan? NOOOOOO so ...anyways.....so i tried to tell him just tell me whatever happens in your life.....like....it's cloudy in ames, quiet, but clean. I am heading to kansas city tmr...blahblah. so he started talking about his life. and he being faithful to god and let god leads him at every turning point of life. Be faithful to what god has given him.

then, problem solved.
 i guess i wasnt faithful enough in what god has given me. wasnt faithful enough to him, but challenging him.  lots of ttimes, i didnt do the best as i could in things that god gave to me.OR...I TRIED TOO HARD THAT ACTUALLY RUINED WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT. and god, please forgive forgive forgive me on that. and speaking of my earlier attemption. it came back again. it's almost a substitute of someone already. hehe. and it was me again not being faithful to God. i kept challeging god, thought that there might be a chance, maybe he will change for the better, or maybe we can be good friends and just hang out. i thought God never gave me any sign for not going out with this guy. but, truely he did, and it was written thousands of years ago in bible. If i stick closely to bible, i would not even be involved.

STUPID ME.

And again , God is testing my faith. and sorry to say so , i failed.

tomorrow i am heading to Kansas City to hear some teaching about God. I know i am thirsty. I am thirsty for you.

Endless Love.

As Nick Schmidt's body grew weaker as he battled cancer, the bond he shared
with Bahar Mallah grew stronger

By Duaa Eldeib, Tribune reporter
5:55 PM CST, December 12, 2010
When Nick Schmidt and Bahar Mallah were introduced, he told her he was sick.

At a bar after an Illini game on a chilly night in October 2008, she asked
him why he wasn't drinking. Cancer, he explained. That was typically when
such conversations ended.

But Mallah stuck around long enough for him to ask whether he could buy her
a drink instead.

"'I have cancer, but I'll buy you a drink?'" Mallah recalled saying to him.
"'That's your line? That's a horrible, horrible line.'"

Their first date was on Halloween. They grew happy fast. By November, the
couple had made lists of promises to each other.

He pledged to tell her he loved her every day, to play with her hair, to
trust her. She vowed never to let the petty things get in the way, to be
patient, to stay focused on the big picture.

They flew to Costa Rica, biked to Wisconsin, watched movies on their couch.

On Oct. 11, Schmidt, 31, and Mallah, 32, married. He wore Nikes to the
wedding. She was in 4-inch heels.

They were husband and wife for 51 days before the cancer killed him.

A week after Schmidt's Dec. 1 death, Mallah sat in their third-floor
Edgewater walk-up, where her wedding dress still hangs in the bedroom. She
ran her hand across a picture of his face.

"Ahh," she said as she wept softly. "I just love him."

Like their marriage, their journey together seemed to last but for a sweet
moment.

Schmidt's initial prognosis in 2008 wasn't good — six months to live, or a
meager 10 percent chance he'd see Christmas. Doctors diagnosed him with a
rare and aggressive form of sarcoma.

He took oral chemotherapy daily and for a while was summoned to Louisville,
Ky., every three weeks for an intense, 24-hour course. When one round fell
on New Year's Eve, Mallah snuck some lights, a dress and a pair of fancy
shoes into the hospital room.

Despite it all, he didn't act sick. Mallah kept buying tickets for things —
movies, concerts, trips to see her family in Baltimore — and he kept
showing up.

They were blissfully in love, but they weren't naive. Mallah works as a
pharmaceutical rep who specializes in cancer medicine. Before she even met
Schmidt, she knew how to change an IV and manage a port.

Schmidt had no interest in knowing. He put his faith in God and his trust in
her. If anything could be done, she would do it. Mallah sought the advice
of Chicago's medical oncology community, many members of which she knew well
through her daily work visits. Not only did her job provide an added level
of know-how, it gave her hope.

"There are people who beat this," she would think. "Why can't he be one of
them? Every new treatment he was on didn't exist when he was on the
treatment before that. There will come a time when science is going to catch
up, so (we) should keep trying."

Even before Mallah came into his life, Schmidt was determined not to
surrender to the cancer.

Born and raised in Champaign, he had always been the outgoing, comical type.
He started swimming when he was 5 and didn't stop until doctors banned him
from entering the water because of his sickness. Growing up an only child,
he delivered newspapers, played in the church band and was once accused of
TP'ing his high school. (The mountain of toilet paper rolls in the trunk of
his Blazer didn't help his case.)

Schmidt graduated with an accounting degree and an MBA from Eastern Illinois
University, where he still holds a swimming record. His conditioned body
would prove among his greatest allies in the battle that followed.

He worked as an accountant in Champaign, but his passion had nothing to do
with crunching numbers. He video-blogged constantly, often with a goofy grin
, even while an IV dripped cancer drugs into his bloodstream.

His mother, who suffered from rheumatoid arthritis and got around in a
wheelchair for much of her life, was the glue that kept the family together.
"He would tell his mom things that he wouldn't even think of telling me,"
said his dad, Bob, 71.

Sharon Schmidt died of heart complications about a year and a half before
her son was diagnosed.

"It was like somebody hit me with a hammer," Bob Schmidt, choking back tears
, said of his son's devastating news. "We decided we'd pray for it, and we
were going to beat it. He and I agreed on one thing: We were both happy
Sharon wasn't here."

He had one question after his son told him he wanted to marry Mallah — the
strong-willed, independent daughter of Persian-Muslim immigrants.

"What took you so damn long?"

Schmidt had fallen hard, but still, he was hesitant. He compiled a photo
book of their whirlwind romance — including a shot of the first time they
met — and spelled out, letter by letter, "Will you marry me" at the top of
each page. It took him nine months to give it to her.

"He didn't want to make me a widow," Mallah said.

Her mother's reaction, when she first told her she was dating a guy with
advanced cancer, was worry. Even after they got engaged, a mother's rightful
moment of unadulterated joy, Mehry Mallah's heart ached for her only
daughter and her inevitable fate.

But when the family got to know Schmidt — really know him — they adored
him.

"He was such a wonderful guy," Mehry Mallah said. "He was so gentle, kind,
polite and very loving of Bahar. We understood."

No one could deny it. Their love was the kind for which people spend a
lifetime searching.

"I already love you," she told him. "I'm already committed. It's going to
suck regardless, so be my husband."

He proposed a week after she spoke those words. Marriage, they agreed, was
an opportunity to share their love with friends and family and have it
acknowledged in the eyes of God.

"He loved me," she said. "Why would I reject that? It doesn't make any sense
. Even now that he's gone. Even now that I'm in so much pain."

Her eyes filled with tears and her voice trailed. "Why would you reject that
?"

A month before the wedding, he could barely walk. Doctors feared he wasn't
going to make it, but he ignored them. The Lincoln Park wedding was granted
by the nonprofit organization Wish Upon a Wedding. It combined her family's
Persian traditions, their books — a Quran and a Bible — and an unwavering
belief in Schmidt and his motto: Faith. Success. Recovery.

On that fall day, the fog lifted, the sun shone bright and butterflies
landed on Mallah's dress.

When Schmidt's health prevented them from heading to Costa Rica for the
honeymoon, Mallah surprised him with the chance to meet a beluga whale at
Shedd Aquarium. He stood for 45 minutes, stroked the gentle mammal and
thanked his wife for what he called a life-changing experience.

Even then, she didn't notice the jaundice or the gaunt frame that had lost
60 pounds. She saw the man she first fell in love with that October evening.

When he died less than two months later, their wedding planner coordinated
his memorial service.

For a brief moment at the hospital in those final hours, Mallah huddled in a
corner and started screaming. Then she reminded herself what they shared,
held his hand and whispered that she loved him.

"Who gets loved that much?" Mallah recently asked before heading out wearing
Schmidt's oversize peacoat and fiddling with his wedding band, now wrapped
around her right ring finger.

In the days following his death, her mother told her it was true love.

Mallah responded that he was going to be her husband forever.

"I know," her mother said.

"But I miss him," Mallah said.

"I know you do," her mother replied.

run it down. 240 days

Today..or actually is the last day of final. my final does not end until midnight Friday. so i went back to studio...just keep "studio-ing" on other projects. i turned heat up to76.hehe remembering that everybody was feeling comfortable with 73..while i thought it's actually chilli and put i my coat, Travis'coat, or Brent's coat. but then...they just kinda get in the way of model making...hehe. anyways...i sat on Kait's table...since it's the closest to plugs. Sam has moved out completely, extension is gone with. I cant find a plug around. well...
Brent, Steph, Ann came in to move out of studio. everything out. Brent was not happy that all his models are gone. Ann was sent to the hospital that Wednesday cuz of alchol poisoning. These people have been around me a lot. sad to see that they are moving out. but good to see them before they leave. Ann is probably on plane a couple of days later first to Europe. so long people! have a good semester.

Today...the lab closed at 5:00 same as Parks library. so i have to drive to copy works to get my stuff print. so i went to get my car, noticing that John's and Brent's car are already gone. They must be going home already. i went up to my car, right about i opened the door. i saw a red car parked on my. It's a very familiar red sponge car. the same kind as the one that i had kept for almost 2 years. the same kind that everybody draw on it. It was Brent siiting in the car. the same Brent that draw me in other red cars. and this time it's brent drving, saying "see ya". and one more time, i burst into tears.
I came back half an hour later. parked in COD parking lot, noticing John's car. he must be moving things out as well. and then I see him, walking out of the back door. He called me "lingling". so we went back up to studio. took out his last materials, tools, models. took the elevator. got out of the college. i said " it's such a windy day." tho it's not. Memories of last year suddenly flashed back. The Darian that couldnt open the door, couldnt push the elevator button. The broken model, and the broken pieces flying around in the snowing sky. But please dont get mad at me, i have been changing for the better.

It has been sunny recently. the kinda cleaness, openess. the kind wildness.

I am missing you, waiting for you all to come back.

Love Darian.

enjoyed shopping with daddy and watching TV with mommy.

Thanksgiving Break is always quiet and along for me. It sounds kinda sad, sometimes it is. But it's also the time that i thought of my own family the most.
This sememster i have a lot more free time than I use to in the past 3 years...so i got to video chat with my parents or just simply having more time talking to them. My dad is really busy. everytime i called he was either working or in a conference. everytime he called me I was either working on projects or just rushing to somewhere else. If i call him, he thinks there will be an issue that i want to discuss. typical businessman. This semester we actually video call a lot. not necessary talking all the time, but maybe simply having the video camera on. This brings us so much closer to each other.
so ..my dad and i did shopping on Ralph Lauren website and Tommy jeans. he's all excited and happy about that. He bought 6 tops and 2 pair of jeans. :) and is actually willing to wake up at 5:30am to shop with me again. hehe. daddy. :)  The other day, when my mom has her day off of work. we watched TV together thru video camera. i cant reallly see anything from the TV. but it just feel good to be able to do some common family activities with family again. and yes i love that feeling of having mom and dad around. yes i do.

Thank God for giving me such loving parents. Though i grow up not so easy, but my parents just love me as they always do. just that i never realized it before.

My God Story

It takes long to finally be able to word my god story. It's been 3 years since I became a Christian, one year since i fell for it. But i found it hard to actually tell my god story, cuz god knows how hard it is! He has been working in every little detail in my life to bring me closer and closer.
The other day at FUSION, we walked over a bridge that symbolizes the relationship between us and god. And oops i almost fell off it. It will be funny if i did, but at the same time i knew how many times i had been attempted to turn away from god. It was the Christians around me that pull me back.
3 years ago I was in Andrew and Ashley...Tom and Wendy's family group. At around the same time, I ended up a relationship with someone that's been lying to me for the entire time( well..this is more complictate than i just said, but i am just gonna put it this way so that the story doesnt need to get expanded). Anyways that has been a hard time to me, and i have been crying for days. Not because how much i like this person, but more because i suddenly realize how dark-minded can a person be; how fake can a person be. He destroyed my wonderland where i grew up. haha. During that time, i wanted to quit family group and just stay by myself to heal my wound. I told Ashley, and she came to talk to me on a Sunday afternoon. That was Nov.7.2007. She looked like an angel coming down for me, speaking God's words. That day i gave my life to Jesus Christ. When there's so many great people around me, why do i want to give all my focus to the people that hurts me. I know i want to be parts of the great people. 4 month later, i got baptized in cornerstone church.
The summer after i turned 21 went a little wild. I started drinking, not a lot, but more than i had ever had. I knew something was wrong. I hang out with people that drink and party at the same time i am still around in church. One day I posted my facebook status as:  I am confused, what does being a Christian reallly mean if it's not just being nice. The next day I got on facebook. and my friend sent me a messaged, and I burst into tears. :) i really did, and i cried everytime i read it. he probably doesnt know how much it helps to bring my life back to Jesus Christ. Oh yesh, Professor Brent, Blanket, Westphal. ( I really want to mention his name here. he's such a great friend. :)) This message meant a whole lot for me, cuz he's not just a Christ follower but at the same time an architecture student the same year as me. I guess he gets the chance to have closer look at me. He sees me sin. And when i was lost in between architecture life and God, Brent came up and set a model for me. The semester followed was a tough yet great semester. I think it's great cuz with all that difficulties, uneasiness, challenges, craziness, I fell for god.
I went to Salt co. retreat that year for an unknown reason.It's more like I dont have any excuse to say no to my friends. So I went to the retreat, and was amazed by how god has been doing in everybody's life.  It's so true, so real, and so beautiful. That semester I teamed up with 4 other students for a huge project. And John Graham was one of them. I dont know if there's any word better than self-sustainable to describe him. John is the kinda kid that is calm and loving. He has dry humors, as dry as potatoes. He does get mad/dissappointed/over the edge sometimes, especially when facing a spoiled only-child. It was him that reads me bible, telling me the truth every now and then, oh and "discipline" me. I admitt that I was actually feeling hurt after the entire semester. I thank god our friendship did not get destroyed and that we will be able to forgive each other. "forgive, and then you will be forgiven."
Farily recently, i am a little jealous of the non-christian life cuz they can do whatever they want to do . Yet i know that i dont want to live like that. I would regret to live a life according simply to flesh and to feeling. It's not easy when you like a guy that only wants to have sex with you. I knew I was falling for him, but at the same time i know i should obbey god's commandment. I dont want to disobey God, no!no!no! There has been a battle for almost 2 month. I have to kick the guy that i like out of my life. Trust me, it's not easy. I read Intersect 2010 recently from cornerstone. In lots of people's god story they talked about growing up in a broken family, being physically or sexually abused. This type of thing has been really far away from me. I never knew anyone growing up in such situation, and cant imagine one either. I suddenly realize that God has been doing a really good job protecting me. You know things happens....That guy could have raped me, and if we see each other more, i could have gone into worse situations. And I thank god for keeping me away from him. I had been praying to god what i should do, praying for a clear mind to stay close with god. and look! God has already told me what to do! I would still be praying for him, hoping someday he can be made right as well. oh and thanks for those who prayed for me. :)
I think this will be my god story, and yes these are the few stories from hundreds of my stories with God and his people. I always feel stronger when i know there's people with me and praying for me. and ...Just thank God for what he has been doing. <3