Grow a soul! make art!

Last updated, April,7th 2012.
I am back. gladly.
and now...where do i start.

The habit of pondering over a cup of chai latte in a cafe never changed since college. only wish i can be sipping from a mug, not a plastic cup; sitting on a leather couch not a plastic stool, and maybe i would go for a good pastry too (if they have one). Well, on a cold snowing Saturday night in NYC. This is somewhat Fine.

And this is what i have gained...from my 6 and half years of....Education, to become an architect. Rather, i developed a paticular taste, such as :Lilies needs to be white wrapped in black and white newspaper; Candles need to be held by wine glasses instead of candle holders; books need to be second hand, with underlines and comments etc. etc.

And here comes the hole, that emerged, disappearing, and reemerged again in its most glorious form. GLORIOUS.  I am lost again, in the concrete jungle. sometimes i wonder if i am building my dream here, or burying one in the most dynamic and diverse city. He is right, a big comfort bed makes you too comfortable. Yep, i have been missing the daylight, on the days i am off. I am too comfortable that it hurts.  I lost my passion. i have been there, so many times. Wait...what is my dream again?

I have been reading somewhat a lot lately, reading some easy readings comfortably. McQueen is one of them (What a gorgeous last name). Working in a firm is hard, where your contribution in a project might be a column in the back corner of the building. Not significant enough to callout, and nothing to do with your style, your aesthetics. Irrelevant to me. except that i drew it in CAD. Mcqueen didnt like working for Givenchy or Gucci. But he did, after some people told him not to, after him laughing at Galliano taking the head designer position. He did, because it helps to finance his own line: help him to do what he really wants to do. And, It helps him get internationally recognized.Theres a fine line between idealistic and unrealistic. The latter are arrogant and ignorant. But, Mcqueen had his 5 seasons of collection on already by the time he's the head designer of Givenchy!
Darian, Darian, Darian, Start making NOW , start drawing NOW! NOW!

After you had a few drinks at a bar, realizing you only got a few pennys left in your pocket (the rest is all stolen), what will you do? Got up to the coin machine, and end up winning a 2500 Euros. It's an attitude of all or nothing. Its a good attitude.

My days have scared me. I have been doing the exact same thing on my days off. No excitement, no progress to anything. pure comfort. While it might be good for a 100+ year old, certainly not for me. EVERYDAY IS OPPORTUNITY.

This type of snowy day reminds me of IOWA. The days running with a bloody orange sky in the background, avoiding crow poops.
College was good, now i thought of it. At least i was courages. I was also arrogant, but i am not afraid to be over the top. I was lost at times, but i am not afraid to express. I was critical, but I loved everything and everybody.

I wasnt so bad.

Grow a Soul!

maybe a tatoo will do

thinking of getting a tattoo, not too eye-catching, just a line of words: strive from modesty. The line curls against neck.
really not doing it for anything else, but to memorize that there were people that were courageous than me. They followed their heart, made their way to what they want to achieve.

You did what i dont dare to do.

Thank you for being with me. 有你们真好

Thank all of you for when i am scared of the world you are always with me. For all the decisions that i make, you are always here to support me.

It's you that makes every movement of mine even more sturdy and confident.

Apr.16th, and that was 2 days ago. I did my performance event, and suprisingly i wasnt a bit nervous about it before hand. I was excited, i was just ready to be who i am, to do what i want to do. My appreciation to everyone that makes this happen, and everyone that was there for the performance. everybody.

It is dedicated to every duckweed in the world, and everything else that gives duckweed a home.

Sheng says to me, the existence of this type of art form itself is amazing. She said, later that day, you are the best today. It's moving.

I think it's the courage that moved her.

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These days, emotionally unstable. as much as i am excited, i am worried, and disappointed at myself. Had a job offer, but seems so far away from my desire. It's a gut feeling that makes me want to resist, that i cant explain. but maybe i will go with it. a dream a desire can always be fulfilled if it's truely a desire and dream of oneself. 

To the other THTREE.

when we were 10, we were the selected 183 out of 3000. When we were 12, we started to be close. When we were 15, you were too brilliant to catch up. however dumb i was, i can always talk to you for a long time. and that is what is precious to me. our friendship didnt change after almost 12 years. We have always been on each others' sides. and that is precious to me. Because of you, i know i was special, have been special, and will always been. Because of you , i know what is outstanding.

I planned a wedding to run away from.

I planned a wedding to run away from.
and yes i did, except that it's not a wedding. it'a event project that i am doing.

But do you know how scared i was.
I am not a panda, i am a turtle. timid, and will go back to my shell when I am scared. I want to be different, to stand out, and that might be the only reason that i am doing this. I have a desire to..transform..myself..to get ready for the real world. but the transformation is painful. I am in serious pain.
The reason is so stupid to even talk about. too stupid to tell another. I did this for my own sake, not for anybody else, not for the progression of human beings.

Someone said, architects should contribute to the society. i just want to do things to fulfill my own desire. my dark secrets are driven force. not the society.

so loser says, which means I say, this is no big deal. As long as i know whts wrong, how to make it better, it will be fine eventually. Transformation is hard. ALL I NEED TO DO IS TO FIGURE IT OUT.


 i will do it again, when i am more ready.

Thanks for all the supports, and the people that got up for my  event.

五年前的时候

五年前，也是春假。我已经开始准备申请arch的portfolio了。比deadline提前了两个月。后来才知道，很多人都是提前1，2个礼拜开始做的。我那个时候觉得。。自己怎么都不会进arch的，又觉得不进arch就没有什么意义了。。。所以很早就说好一定要进arch..
然后进去了也就觉得没什么。
一直以为一直这样下去5年以后自己一定可以figure out . 会像那些大牛一样做出那样的作品。慢慢的我就会figure out 了。所以一开始我没有觉得是自己笨，而是觉得。。。等到毕业的时候就会好的。
骗人呢巴。
我当时到底怎么进得专业？还是学校专业实在太水了，所以。。连我这样的人都可以进。所以5年之后也没有什么太大的变化。
看了那个叫做FAME的电影。里面有一句话说：sometimes we got students that are promising. But they never got beyond that promise. 埃~
3 years later in the movie, everyone has a entirely different paths. The fact that they were enrolled into this outstanding Performing Arts school doesnt make all of them a guaranteed successful performing artists. School is just a platform. you are lucky when you have a good one.
i never stop questioning myself about who i am what i am doing. I wonder if i am only standing out to be different, or controversial, so that maybe i can be outstanding. sad face.
confident cant be taught. mitchell's confidence only build up my ego.但是外强中干阿。。。deep down, i am still questioning myself, every single day. I dont know where i am heading to.

Am I just a dreamer? a non-realistic dreamer?

cheer up.

the descendants

还是一部很忧伤的电影，每个人都好像满腹委屈。
but it's quite a good movie, so common as it's just a narrator of everyday life. too common that i can barely face it.
It's such a sad movie. such sorrow even tears seem 。。Vulgar....

Babette's Feast

Watched Babette's Feast after reading one of the articles in Eating Architecture. Very interesting Movie. and how the movie is related to ornament is crime. These people see eating such food as crime, a huge sin. While the general say the feast is like a love affair. at the end Babette spent all her lottery money on the feast, she said artisit is never poor. and blahblah something something...give me a chance i can do my best.

i have a chance now, can i do the best?

keep making.