因为你不喜欢我。

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不明白
我为什么会知道你那么多的信息

------------------------------题记

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不明白
你和谁在一起干了什么
对我来说都是一种纠结
我会乱揣测,乱生气
即使我们什么关系也没有

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不明白
你的一句不在乎
我为什么会那么在乎

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不知道我打出那一句句
那你玩吧！我不打扰时
内心的纠结

因为不喜欢我
所以你不知道我的手机里面存的都是你的信息
不开心时，看着看着，不自觉的傻笑
因为感觉你就在身边
自我安慰

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不知道
你对我的忽冷忽热
总是让我不自觉被你掌控
一半甜蜜，一半忧伤

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不知道
在我失去你信息的日子里
我是多么的沮丧

因为你不喜欢我
所以你寂寞的时候不会想起我
而我却在时时刻刻的想着你

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不知道
你在我眼里多么的重要
而我知道
我在你眼里却是十分的渺小

因为你不喜欢我
所以你以为我不会关注你的校内有什么变化

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不知道
我等待着你的关心
却等到我关上了心

因为你不喜欢我
所以你不明白
你的一举一动对于我来说
都是指挥棒
指挥着我的心情和生活
你没有关注过我
没有在乎过我

有时候，很想念一个人
但我不会给TA打电话
因为
打电话给TA
对方冷冷的一句“喂”
会让我不知说什么好
还是不打比较好　
发个信息吧
好怕对方不回信息
要不~就算回了也就简短到让人心疼的一个“哦”
以前
我们什么都可以谈
现在
连电话都通不了了
这种感觉并不好
此后
当想TA
也不能够再打电话给TA

想念一个人
很想听到TA的声音　
等听到了TA的声音
也许
就是另一回事了　
想像中的一切
往往比现实美好些　　
想念中的那个人　　
也比现实中的可人些
思念好像是遥远
有时偏偏感觉很亲近
可电话的那一头
又好像很飘渺　　　

May God Bless us.

one of my good friend's mom passed away in the passed few days. this is pretty shocking.

i pray that god will keep bless us, bless our heart guide my friend through the hardship. May god bless the heart of her mom so she rest in peace. so we all finally be in peace. Amen.

WHY IS ARCHITECTURE TAKING SO LONG?!?!?!!??!

SHUT UP. ARCHITECTURE IS A CALLING......@.@

The below poster has been my mission, my inspiration and my encouragement. It has answered my questions occurred during the last 4 years.

oh haha.

所以说，在一次证明这个世界上没有丑新娘。长成那样婚纱照一拍还是美的不行。所以说。。。我有时候也完全不是安于这样一个人的现状。也恨不得自己可以马上穿上婚纱结婚。但是想来想去周围男人是有的，却没有我想要结婚的人。完全没有。所以前提不成立。。再想也白搭。

就是这样。。

况且我打好的年华不想要在这里荒废掉。。。。。。。。外面的世界多美好。

stressssssssssssssssssssssssssssssed

So i am fairly stressed. let me just tell you what i ate for dinner and you would be able to know how restless
i am now.
 i ate..doritos, a bowl of rice (which i seldom do) some HYVEE CHINESE...which means some greasy fat chicken....and a crappy bowl of soup. i would have ate a cake too...but i was worrying if i end up wasting time taking a nap after dinner...that will not be good.
so yeah...i am stressed....GRE issues are sooooo hard!!!!!!!!!
gr...well..only a week from now. I am gonna gooooo shopppping after my GRE test.!!!! this is my only motivation right now...

keep writing ....keep fighting....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Although right now i am pretty comfortable just spending the time by myself doing things that i will be proud of later on. sometimes dirty thoughts sill hit me  and distract me.
I tend to think that i am not good, anyone else is better, whatever anybody else has is better, whatever decision anybody else made is better. I tend to not accept who i am, what i like. I thought architecture should just be COOL...not cute. BUT.whatever i do...tends to be lovely....well...in most cases. sometimes it's aloof too , i guess. @.@
and whenever i think i am better.....i will feel sorry later on. cuz that's just arrogant. .. A true lady should be meek and gentle and smart. always put on a smiley face.

will you still like me.....and my work...if one day you found out i am nothing but a teddy bear hugger?

well not sure why i uploaded these pictures. I am just homesick for a period of time that i am proud of who i am...enjoy what i do, and proud of what i did.

MAN!! this is just last semester..and i am talking like a 40 year old lady........

happy making...always:)

Written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer 

你以什么为生我不感兴趣。我想知道的是你因什么而痛苦，想知道你是否敢于去梦想满足心灵的渴望。

你的年龄我不感兴趣。我想知道的是你是否甘当傻瓜去追求爱、追求梦想和经历生活的惊险刺激。

是什么磨圆了你的棱角我不感兴趣。我想知道的是你是否触碰过自己受伤的心，是否因为生活辜负过你而变得豁达，还是因为害怕遭受更多的痛苦而变得无助、紧闭心扉。

我想知道你是否能痛苦着我的痛苦而不是避开它，躲着它。

我想知道你是否能欢乐着我的欢乐，是否能狂舞一曲，让快乐溢满你的指尖和脚趾，而不是告诫我们：要小心翼翼、要现实、要牢记做人的局限。

你说的是真是假我不感兴趣。我想知道的是你是否为了忠实于自己而敢于令他人失望，是否敢于承担背叛的骂名而不愿违背良心，是否能做到诚实可靠从而值得信赖。

我想知道你是否能领略美，是否因为生命的存在而追溯生命的起源，我想知道你是否愿意接受你我的失败并仍然敢于站在湖边，对着银色的满月大声回答“是”。

你栖身何处、有多少金钱我不感兴趣。我想知道的是一夜伤心和绝望、一身疲惫和伤痕之后，你是否照样起床，履行应尽的义务，养育待哺的孩子。

你有何背景、何以成为现在的你我不感兴趣。我想知道的是你是否愿意与我一道，站在烈火中央而不退缩。

你在哪里受的教育，学的什么以及与谁为师我不感兴趣。我想知道的是一切消逝之后是什么在内心支撑着你，你是否能够独自面对自己，是否真正喜欢你在空虚的时刻结交的伙伴

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
For your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life's betrayals or
Have shrivelled and closed from fear or further pain
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own;
If you can dance with wilderness and let ecstasy fill you
To the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
Be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life from God's presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children
It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the Fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. 
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. 
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, 
And if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

oh wonderful~

In this video, you can see me and mike walking back and forth grabbing food; standing and talking to the 3rd years for a while..and sitting along the windows to just chill. this is just fun to watch.

ahhh this is just fun.

http://vimeo.com/25396682
and here's a little link of another video. it's great too. there's me elegantly reaching out for food. i can tell it's me although it's just a silhouette...LOL. and there's me cheerfully listening to mike's comment " i thought this is marshmallow and tomato!!!!!" ahahh what a great night.

you hear me cry. God

不要问，不要等，不要犹豫，不要回头。没有答案的时候，就独自出去见一见这个世界。
Don't Ask, Dont wait around, Dont hesitate, Dont look back. When you dont have an answer, just go out on the pleasure of seeing the world alone.

"appetite Fulfilled"

So...This is Mitchell's Art event on Saturday in Des Moines. called "appetite fulfilled".
not a suprise....he chose to host it in a restaurant. lol. and no lie...the event name convinced me to go. well...i would have went anyways....the name just made it better. and this might be actually relevant to his idea of....people are food driven...(well...i summarized this in my words).
but very true.

The restaurant was set up in a very interesting way. it's like...so enclosed, not inviting at all from the outside. However, it's actually a friendly environement/event. That people are welcomed to social/eat/look at art. so techniquely.....the restaurant set up from the outside is pretty ALOOF too. But the "content"(what happens inside) is friendly and rich. In other words, it's mysteriously wonderful.
ALOOF is mysteriously wonderful anyways.......LOL
but speaking of the the design that covers the restaurant skin, it's just wonderful!~~love it~~~(you can see it in the picture) and it's just paper!! it's just paper!!! now i might just be obsessed with paper too (after my obsession with nails)....paper is such humble material, but can appear so different thru the hands of artists/designers.

well...Mitchell never provides bad food. food is very elegantly present. nomnomnomnom.

i just need more of such events to keep me inspired and updated.
oh..and one big mistake....why had i never thought of taking drawing classes in DSM art center....they should be way better!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh well..

Cheers!

the great white bear

mahhhh i want to put this up. love it. love it a lot.

prayer time.

I want to be a well -tempered panda.....and god please give me wisdom in planning the trip to the West Coast, so that i get to places that i want to and it wont cost me much. and God open my eyes to discover my goal on this trip. God...help me prepare GRE too...pray that i will be more dilligent, more focused, and less stress. and stop eating that much. I pray in name of Jesus. Amen.

GRE is making me FAT

alright...this test is making me feel really dumb. what is the thing on my shoulder???? a ball full of AIR!?!!?!?...
i am kinda stressed too....i found myself pretty restless....this is not a good sign......well..have to get over it. get over it. ...this is not a good sign.

Panda. Enjoy, experience, love every moment of your life. enjoy every bite of food, every drop of tea. Everything will be ok.

holyyyyyy crap!i am sooo happy!

i went to Ames Choral Society today for the first time and sang for 2 hours. =)  people there are sooo nice and sweet too.
and i am gonna perform in less than a month!!!

singing always make me happy. Cant belive i havent been singing in a choir for soooo LONG, considering i have been in choirs for around six years from Junior high school. mannnnnnn i am happy. my soul is so lifted!!!!

"NEVER GIVE UP WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING"---katja.

i am one happy panda~

所以这个叫做。。。

无为而治嘛！

do nothing and have it done. but it's not really NOT DOING ANYTHING, but do it indirectly.

thinking of a new hair...

love the edges and color...

Design Development

I am just redesigning myself. so when chances come, i am able to grab them.

I just need a better me, so you can find me.

a better way to describe what i am doing.

就在英国这个阴沉的午后突然收到Yvonne阿姨的来信，Yvonne阿姨是我三年前最开始接触灵修时碰到的同伴，三年了一直都没见过面，只是通信交往，可是每次读到她的信都会泪流满面，这封信我想分享给我所有的好姐妹。好好爱自己真的比什么都重要。

我跟她说她的信写得很好，可以让我发到我的校内让更多的人看到么，她说只要不写她的中文名字就行，于是我发上来了，没时间看全文的姐妹，我用红笔标注出了最经典的话


莫妮卡.Liu：
         后天我就要启程去美国了，你的来信我其实早已收到，但是这段时间我一直在整理自己，所以一直没有给你回信。如果我告诉你我最终还是决定离婚，你是否会惊讶。你曾经说，我是你的偶像，从二年前遇到丈夫婚外情到如今，我一直都很冷静，不吵不闹，仍然很坚定地做自己。你问说这是否就是淡定的最高境界，但你不知道，当我跟你说我念到妙榆老师的祈祷文时，哭的无法抑制，其实是想到了自己的遭遇。你说你要做像我一样的女人，优雅，从容，成熟。但是，我想说的是，永远不要成为像我这样的女人。
        不要争辩，听我慢慢说。我和我丈夫是大学同学，毕业后一起去了美国，然后再顺利的一起毕业回国，他发展的很好，我由于第一个孩子的出生一直在家休养。于是他趁机告诉我说，我爱你，不希望你在外面奔波，我可以撑起这个家。于是我跟大多数当时的女人一样，洗手做羹汤，在家相夫教子，但是我比大多数女人明智，我没完全放弃自己的前途，在家做全职太太的那段时间，我努力将我想考的证书都收囊袋中，然后也开起了属于自己的书吧和咖啡馆。其实我和你一样，是个没有安全感的人，于是我只是想给自己的未来留个后路，你曾经问过我，为什么会选择做全职太太，其实作为一个年届三十的女人而言，有个男人还是你很相信的男人告诉你说，我会撑起这个家的，任何女人都无法拒绝这个诱惑的，我也不例外，起码在当时，我认为这个男人是会和我一起走到最后的。
         你说你的母亲一直教导你，全职太太是你永远也不能选择的道路。我现在想告诉你的也是，这条路是你这样的孩子永远不能走的路。你太纯粹。刚认识你的时候就被你经历的那些触动过，想象着小小年纪的你奔跑在自己的梦想大道上，听着你诉说着自己遭受失败后经历的种种心路历程，就确定你不是个安份的孩子，你比大部分你的同龄人都有想法，不然你也不会走上灵修这条路，不会遇见我，很感谢你，在你的启发下，我突发奇想去考了GMAT. 我没想到这个无心之举却成了我今天做这个决定最强有力的后盾。
       去年去台湾，碰到了LINDA，她说她成立了一个工作室，碰到了很多来咨询的中年太太，几乎都是与婚外情相关，她说看到她们的经历，她很害怕走进婚姻，她却不知道我也遭受着同样的困扰，我先生算是比很多婚外情男人理智的很多，不过或许也是我的态度让他有所觉醒，他很决绝地选择与那个女生划清界限，回到我和孩子的身边，很多人疑惑，既然已经如此，为什么要选择离婚，我想她们不理解我。
      年轻的时候，我也有过很多的梦想，只是因为碰到了我先生，仿佛一瞬间，我所有的人生就因为他而改变，甘愿为了他而放弃我所有的梦想。就像我跟我先生说的一样，过去的十多年，我为了你为了孩子付出了我所有的精力，我本以为你能体谅我为你做出的这些牺牲而心怀感激，但是当我接到那个女生打来的电话时，我突然心寒了，就像经营了十几年的世界突然倒了一样，那个时候我才发现，除了你，我变得一文不值，欲哭无泪，我不吵不闹，其实是对自己的鄙视，也是对自己的反省，我恨过你，恨过那个女孩。可是到最后我发现最应该痛恨的是自己。于是我决定离开你，去找回失去了10多年的自己。
      我的母亲说我是疯子，什么自己，什么梦想，都年届40中了，还不知道为了孩子，为了这个家忍辱负重，何况你先生已经回到你身边了。你是否也会说我是个疯子呢？
      这么多年，见过很多姐妹悲惨的遭遇，那个曾经跟你提过的小岑，最终还是被婆家扫地出门了，离开丈夫她却连谋生的能力都没有，我那时就想，如果是我，该怎么办呢。现在很多的漂亮女生，努力为的只是找个长期饭票，可是这个世界上除了你自己，没有任何东西是永远的，即使当下的你觉得是永远的，那也是你自欺欺人的借口而已。最重要的是，除了你自己的美丽，你还能有其他能让你自己立足于这个世界的能力，要知道，这个世界最不缺的就是美女。所以，丢失任何东西也不能丢了自己，如果你自己都迷失了自己，你还指望谁来努力寻找你。
     我跟我先生说，我要去美国，继续我未完成的梦想，他竟然说，给你5年时间，当你拥有了你想要拥有的一切，你还想着回来，我还会在这等你，那个时候你如果想复婚，我无条件答应你。于是我发现，当你有勇气去找回自己的时候，那个曾经看不起你的人也会打心眼里尊重你，两年了，我终于见到了那个一直打电话骚扰我的女生，她哭着求我让我先生回到她身边，我突然觉得她很可怜，一个20出头，应该和你差不多大的女生，却已经为我先生失去过三个孩子了，我问她，何苦为了别人的丈夫这样糟蹋自己，她说她喜欢他的成熟稳重。我说，是成熟稳重还是他现在拥有的一切，她很信誓旦旦地说，她爱的是这个人不是他的钱。于是我说，那你知道他年轻时的稚嫩，冲动和一无所有时的失落与奋斗么，如果你没有经历这些，你没资格跟我说你爱的是他这个人。她语塞了。其实我和她都清楚，像她这么漂亮的女孩子，是不可能跟着自己的爱人经历穷困和潦倒的，我先生吸引他的唯一条件就是他现在拥有的一切。她只期盼能不劳而获，利用她的年轻和美貌去赌个不确定的未来。我可怜她，但是却看不起她。
     最后我跟我先生深谈了一次，他说男人骨子里都有想要尝新鲜的冲动，当有条件有精力有金钱的时候，那些新鲜的诱惑就会自动送上门了，这个时候理智就被抛到脑后了。理智点的知道什么是逢场作戏，稍微不清醒的就真的误以为那是真爱了。他曾经迷失过，因为他能从那个女孩身上得到从我这得不到的激情，崇拜和温柔。但是当他认真地跟她在一起之后发现他们的path不过是在重复我们走过的路，而更不同的是，她比我对他的要求远多过付出。于是他清醒了，多少外遇多少婚外的情感终究都会归于婚姻的平淡。而最开始的那个其实或许才是最合适的。
       听到这段我知道他真的醒悟了，可是我却因为他而第一次对自己失望，这才是我不能继续呆在他身边，不过或许等到我找回了自己，应该会以不一样的面貌回到他身边。只要他真的能等我五年。
       其实今天写这封信的目的一是跟你告别，二是你的来信中提到，你身边很多朋友陆续结婚了，也有很着急结婚的朋友，我希望我能以我这个过来人的身份劝劝你和你所有的朋友：走进婚姻的时候停下来想想，在这段关系中你是否迷失了自己，如果有，请找回自己再走进婚姻，这样你才能幸福。

Things that didnt kill me only make me stronger.

today. I blocked him on facebook and skype. so that i wont be bothered by what he's doing, who he's hanging out with. I wont be tested. i wont be upset. and That's it.
I thought we can just be friends. cuz we never truely liked each other very much. but we cant, that only reminds me of how bad i was treated. how unfair it is. It's emotional drainning. I am only upset.

so many times i have wondered....how do these days we were together actually passed so slow.

Thanks for a good semester. now i am ready for a new adventure.


prayer today...
I am taking my car to the shop tmr...hope it wont cost me too much money.......hope everything is fine with my car.....
keep praying for GRE.
praying that God is showing me his plan
that my parents, my grandparents, my family live healthy and happy and joyful.

I pray in name of Jesus. Amen.

you gave me the ability.

alright, random title. But it was actually from a prayer today. "pray that i have a job, but not simply for the sake of money, but for that you gave me the ability to work."

so Thank god for giving me the ability to paint. and TODAY IS THE DAY.
so i have been thinking about what to paint....then i decide to start painting some paintings that i like. I picked out two paintings from Georgia O'keef. She is famous for painting blow-up flower images...I like her painting for her boldness in using color. and how geometry, and simple her composition is. her painting shows the way she look at things. well...i guess all painting to some degree does....
so i picked out these two.
oops...cant upload pictures...oh well..
so one is a huge blowup flower...and then another is a image of some sort of architecture under a blue blue sky. i never seen her painting an architecture before. and this one is still pretty fascinating. So far i am going with these two. This reminds me of the old high school days how i started painting buildings....in an abstract way. That was an painting competition. my painting was generated from a photo of the skyline of Shanghai. So i abstracted the buildings and everything. and..painted it......i dont know how well the painting really is...tho it received the 2nd National prize of painting and calligraphy...but think about it now. the way that i abstract it...dictates how i look at the building. and maybe that's what's good about it????? maybe.
so ...anyways. i ask myself why dont i do that? paint some architectures in an abstract way...in a way that i see architecture.

hmm...

alright prayer time.
Pray for the people in Germany that they wont get sick from the vegetables or any food they eat. pray that...J..mariela..Travis....Nick...James...etc.etc. will be cautious about what they are eating...and spent quality times when they are in Germany. Pray that they will have good time, good experience. and stay safe.
Pray that Kumi will gain wisdom from you so that he knows what to choose from more education or this current job. and also I thank God that you keep accompanny with him thru his hard time, giving him direction and guidance.
Pray that Ziwei delivers her baby smoothly. =)
hmmm
Pray for my GRE preparation. and that God you will show me my plan thru this summer. and God i just thank you for what you have been doing. Thank you for positioning all these different/important people/friends around me.Thanks for bringing me closer to you thru my good and bad decisions, thru my success and failures.
I pray in names of Jesus. Amen. <3